The Carrot and the Stick

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.” George Orwell.

A controversial quote from homeboy George there, what does he mean? Well, he’s alluding to one of the trickiest paradoxes that we encounter. The paradox of change. I called this blog “the carrot and the stick” because this dynamic is still the primary way most of us set up our health and fitness goals which goes something like this:

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“This is not a good situation.”

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“I’d like to tone up and get fit.” Or more specifically: “I’d like to run a half marathon next July.”

These goals are simple examples of what most of us request as a desired outcome when we embark on our quest to achieve, improve or accomplish either an aesthetic goal or a performance goal. Nothing wrong with that, except many of us add a secret caveat to that, namely “I’ll be happy when I achieve that.”

And there it is. In that sentence is the tricky bind that sets us up for an intriguing ride, a ride that ends for many in setback, disappointment and failure.

Then, a cool guru type comes along and says, “hey dudes, you all need to accept yourselves as you are right now, you gotta’ love yourself for who you are…” This is often met with cursing and snorts of disapproval.

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How, in the name of all that is good does one accept themselves for who they are AND set out to improve upon themselves? If I accepted myself as I am surely that would negate any need to do anything wouldn’t it?

So what, is there a middle ground between A-type serial achiever and New Age loafer? Well, part of the problem exists more in a philosophical sense and that is most of us believe that the self is a thing, like a car or a project. Self-help, self-improvement and self-awareness, even our language supports the notion that our self, is a thing to be improved when really, our self is more a process, a fluid appreciation of many dynamic events occurring all the time.

It’s easy for us to imagine a future when we (our self) will be shiny and complete and different and free from our troubles or challenges. We futurise our self exactly like we dream about getting a car. The carrot is placed on the stick and we have curiously alienated our sense of self in the present tense! This creates a tension, a hurry, a scrabbling and a lack right now, that just doesn’t feel good and guess what, happiness never seems to arrive!

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“Hey dudes, just ACCEPT yourself!”

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“It looks great, but it’s not you.”

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Acceptance, is stating our current reality as “what is,” not “I am a fixed object in space and time.” Here we are. If we are unsupported and without resource we feel anxious or not enough. If we accept our situational experience and become clear about that, a lovely thing happens. We become aware of our resources and we become interested in what we need. Even more curious, by sinking fully into where we are, who we are now, we enable our process towards change most dynamically. This is the paradox of change.

There is not a better version of us running around in the future. The resource we need to change is our present reality, a coming to our senses and when we do that, we embrace the process of change.

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